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| bad blogger |
| 08.11.05 (2:46 pm) [edit] |
nnyeah... that would be me. I got back from a cruise on Monday; it left from NY and went to Halifax, Nova Scotia. Anyway, while on the cruise, I ended up meeting a guy on the third (out of four) day. We hit it off pretty easily/quickly and spent a lot of time together... I mean we didn't do anything inappropriate or anything like that. But I thought maybe, if he were up for it, we could see where things went after the cruise, if maybe we were to pursue some kind of relationship. He lives less than an hour away by car... but I haven't really spoken to him since the last night. I left him a message on myspace and he read it, but he didn't reply.
His brother told me that the last he knew, he liked some girl who was away at camp, but he may not like her anymore, so I have a 50-50 chance in his eyes with his brother... Yeah, that's great. I would prefer more than a 50% chance. I didn't go on the cruise with the specific intent to find a guy. I didn't expect to start liking some person I only knew for a few hours either. It just sucks to open yourself up and basically get rejected... time after time. I'm pretty sure I don't come on too strong, I mean... I don't cling, but I show enough that I'm interested. W/e I just have shitty luck when it comes to guys.
Is it so much to ask to have a bf? It's not such a drastic thing to be whining about but it's just such a normal part of life and I am seriously lacking in that department.
Is it too much to ask for to have someone there to give like emotional and physical companionship or w/e you want to call it?
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| Summer = boredom |
| 06.29.05 (4:37 am) [edit] |
I have been doing a few more things with friends lately, but for the most part, I'm broke and bored. I start work at hte summer camp next week, but it's minimum wage and only 15 hours a week. After taxes, I'll be lucky to get more than like 70 a week. I need another job. I saw the neighbor yesterday as I was waiting outside my house with my friend ( I shall call her Catherine, although that isn't her real name). We were waiting for our other friend, I shall call her Holly, to come to my houes so we could walk to Holly's house for a little night swimming. It was round nine ish and he went out to walk his dog. I didn't say anything and tried not to look at him. As he went towards his house to go in he looked over and saw us and then kept walking. Some guy who lives down the block stopped him and asked him about his summer and what not, if he had any plans to go away. ( He went to China last summer as a part of aschool trip because he took Mandarin or w/e)
Then he went inside. I'm trying not to care about him but it's a little difficult. Anyway, night swimming was a bit boring, because it was just like the three of us and Holly's boyfriend and two cousins. Holly, Catherine, and I were the only ones who went into the pool. I have so much I want to do this summer but no financial means of achieving those goals nor the time.
I should start my summer reading assignment. Fuckig AP English -.-
But for today, I shall talk online, waste time, listen to my music, mostly Ev (Missing was just playing on my playlist) and what not. Tomorrow is my road test. Hopefully I will pass. I haven't really gotten to practice recentely because my parents refuse to practice with me. -.- assholes
I leave now while listening to Breathe No More.
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| long time no post |
| 06.21.05 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
Life has been a little hectic, and honestly, I just haven't had the time nor the desire to post. I'm surprised this has even been viewed at all.
I've been in a bit of a contemplative mood recently...or well the past couple of hours but it's the kind of thing that comes and goes. Maybe it's my minds way of saying "Go to sleep! If you stay up to an ungodly hour, I will make you think about things that make you depressed."
It's a pointless thing to whine about, but honestly, I hate being alone...in multiple senses of the word. Yes, I have family and friends who care for and about me, and I them, but they don't really know me, what makes me tick, how I think and feel. Hell, even I don't know that.
Freakin' Maslow's hierarchy of needs is pissing me off. Without completing on level, you can't move on and become fixated on that level or try to replace it with something else. I have the basic physical aspects taken care of... have association and what not. I forget the exact details but I'm stuck. I'm not moving foward, I know that much at least, and I highly doubt I will ever reach actualization. Not all people do, but if I can't, I'd at least like to get close.
Back to the being alone... Aside from no one truly understanding me, including myself, (here comes the basic pointless whine) I am single... and have been for pretty much my whole life. Technically, I've had two boyfriends. One of which I never went on a date with or even hung out with after we officially were "boyfriend/girlfriend". And the other... honestly, I'd rather forget. I blame it on my being desperate and taking who ever the hell showed the slightest bit of interest in me.
I've been fixated on my neighbor for hte longest time. I used to like him when I was like what... eight years old? Then it went away. It was just a stupid little crush. But for hte past year, it's come back and refuses to leave. At first he showed a little interest but he was giving mixed signals. Back in March, I found out he has girlfriend and I backed off. I'm not the type to go and ruin someone's relationship or hit on a guy who is taken. I wouldn't want some girl to do that to my boyfriend...assuming I ever have one.
Anyway, I find myself, as many people do, longing for that love feeling. I se it in movies on tv...people falling in love, finding that person who makes them feel truly complete, who loves them for who they are, faults and all, and someone who even the simplest things become special just because you are doing it with them. I long for that so much it's pathetic. I may not know much about myself, but I know I am a hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless part. I swear, I've romantacized love so much, anything in life will probably fall short of my expectations.
I need a name for my neighbor that I can call him on here... I'll call him Nick. Nick has been in my dreams recently. They start off nice enough but always seem to end with his girlfriend ruining it somehow. I hate this battle between my heart and my mind. My mind is telling me to move on, it makes no sense to fixate on him. He is going to college after summer and he has a girlfriend who he cares about. But my heart refuses to listen. It's stubborn as hell, I swear. That feeling will probably stay with me until I experience some kind of romantic relationship with him, however brief it may be.
Until then, dreams and living precariously through fake people in the movies on tv will have to suffice.
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| tired |
| 05.30.05 (5:35 pm) [edit] |
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I found this site through a blog of someone over at Evboard. I thought it would be a theraputic type thing to post an online journal about what I really think and feel without any friends or family knowing about it. This way, I am free to post whatever. People, though not many I figure, can still find it and read it, though I don't know why they would want to, and I don't have to fear about family or friends finding out. I'm not going to use my real name, never going to say where I live, or post any pics of myself without my face blurred out or something along those lines. Right now, I'm tired and off going to head off to bed. But I will post more later.
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